5 Reasons People Consistently Refuse to Have Others Help Them
There are many reasons why someone will consistently refuse the help of others. While we might call it stubbornness, pride or an I-can-do-it-myself attitude, we can view such a pattern of behavior from both a psychological, as well as existential (or esoteric or spiritual) perspective.
Fear Of Rejection/Being Judged. We all understand rejection. We know, it hurts. But why does it hurt? Because we believe it to be true? Partially. Because we care what that other person thinks about us? That too. And yet there are a few golden nuggets ---or lessons, if you will--- that you can understand and do when being judged.
Firstly, when you care what other people think about you, you end up giving away your personal power. Not only do you believe in that judgment about yourself, but you end up in a "one-down" position where you feel bad about yourself because you are not able to live up to the other's expectation. Reframe: Being as you are, with all your faults and idiosyncrasies, is sexy. After all, the sexiest characteristic about a person is confidence. How so? Because it means that a person is down to earth and in tune with themself, because being authentically yourself and showing up in life as yourself is the greatest gift you can give to yourself, and offer to others too.
Secondly, regardless of the reason that the person is judging you (which usually stems from some insecurity on their part), you should thank them AND see if what they are saying is true. Sometimes judgment (although not always well said) may be a truism and the person really is trying to give you an important message. If so, you definitely want to thank the person for their honesty and sincerity.
Often, that's not the case and judgment is tainted with negativity. If so, there are two things to do: 1- thank the person and 2-check your reaction. You don't have to thank the person out loud, but you can do so mentally or energetically. Why should you thank the person? While there are different ways to answer that question, you can look at it from a Taoist perspective and see that negativity as a gift. More to the point, how are you reacting to that gift? Is that person pushing one of your buttons? If so, why is this button there? What does it say about you? Often people are put in our path to test us, and if we are reacting to every little negative tidbit then it shows we have far to go on our inner journey to wholeness, wellness and peace of mind.
Not Knowing All The Answers (but thinking you're supposed to). Even the great ones confess that they do not know---so why are you stressing about it? No one has all the answers. Furthermore, we relate to others who aren't on their high horse and pretend to know everything. Most of us don't dig pretenders, fakes or flakes. We relate to others who are like us---that is, we are all imperfect; we each have our own idiosyncrasies and they are what makes us so charming and loveable. We are all special in our own way. How can it not be otherwise? Each and every one of is completely unique! So fess up to your uniqueness and confess: "I don't know " is music to many people's ears!
Being Seen As Weak/Not Being Able To Be Vulnerable Or Open Yourself Up. There's a great secret in this lesson, I have to confess, and that is: people enjoy a good story. People (especially therapists, but there are so many that love a good book, watching a play, ogling TV dramas or following celebrity news) enjoy the minutiae of other people's lives. Those rag to riches stories, those "what's happening in so-and-so's life?" or "OMG did you hear what happened to my neighbor? Get out!" are the kind of sordid details that drive people to gossip. Why? In order for reflection, growth and self-development to occur.
In other words, being vulnerable shows people that you are just as fragile as they are. Being vulnerable shows that even though it is scary to open up and share your pain, there are so many others who are experiencing the same thing.
In short, people who aren't afraid to be vulnerable have discovered a strength in themselves that goes by the name of courage. And being courageous doesn't mean being a firefighter or a police officer and saving other people's lives. It means owning up and being responsible for your own behavior --- including both positive and negative--- which is what true maturity and wisdom are about.
False Perception Of "I Owe U." Instead of seeing that we are all ONE energy and that we are all interdependent upon one another, the person who doesn't ask for help believes that by asking for help s/he now owes you. This creates a power shift in the relationship such that the person now feels that there is "a balance owing." Yet when we open our perception to a wider vision and realize that we are all under the same roof of one universe, there is nothing to worry about. Chances are, you'll "pay back" that person in some way or other. And if it's not that person, doing a good deed to ANYONE else will do. The secret is that when you have your back scratched by the universe and you respond in kind, then it's not about being focused on the person who gave you such energy, but about embracing all as one energy. Helping others and receiving help is about give and take, and you can do that with everyone and anyone!
Have you ever considered the sun? Have you ever heard the sun say to anyone, "hey, you owe me?" There is a reason the sun is the sun, that bright shining beacon in the sky: when the sun shines down, as it does every day, it shines down on everyone regardless of who that person (or plant, animal, insect or object) is. The sun is generous to all, regardless.
If you really want to take this balance owing concept a step further, then you can ask yourself, what have you done to earn your existence? If everything has been given to you, and all is inside you, then how can you ever "pay it back?"
Control Issues, Neediness & Perfectionistic Thinking. Not asking for help means: "I am the one in control of the situation, I hold the power in this relationship." This is a falsity, as every time any two people meet, there is always an energy exchange. Furthermore, although being seen as needy is another false control mechanism/belief for denying help, it ironically ends up creating a barrier between you and the other person instead of allowing you to control the situation. How come? This comes from a failure to understand simple human dynamics: people enjoy helping each other. Since we are all drops in the same big ocean of water, helping one another forges friendships and alliances.
When you honor each person as a teacher ---for every person has something to teach us--- then there is no superiority/inferiority or one up-one down position. If you think that you are better than others and are always judging and criticizing others, then you'd be better to turn that mirror around. While it is true that people with a perfectionistic way of looking at the world are harsh on themselves as well, you need to lighten up and see where this harshness is coming from. All perfectionism, you have to understand, comes from negative self-talk and musts, shoulds and oughts. It's based on expectations and standards, and failing/falling short of those standards results in negative consequences.
In other words, behind all perfectionistic thinking are the emotions of guilt, shame and sadness; yet behind these emotions is the base emotion of fear that leaves you feeling and believing that you are unworthy, unlovable and valueless (oh yes, and you will ALWAYS and FOREVER be this way, because it will NEVER be good enough, but you still have to do your best and give it your best--- this is what's called black and white thinking, or thinking in absolute terms). Often these fears and ways of believing and seeing the world stem from negative messages experienced in early life (e.g. from controlling parents, that one had to be the best, crying is for losers, showing weakness means a lack of courage, etc).
The master key to all control/fear issues is the same: awareness. The first step is to take a look inside yourself and see why you are playing this perfectionistic game with yourself and others (remember: you are the creator of your own world, hence only you are responsible for your own behavior, and really, is this the way you want to live to your life?). Control is something that is happening on the surface, you understand, and on the deeper inside is this insecurity of never being good enough, never being worthy, never being lovable enough. From where did this lack come from?
If we have all we need inside of us, then these messages in our heads that we received and were told by others are fallacies, and it is for us to see them and go beyond them. The inner journey means setting aside false pretenses, and revealing and rediscovering our true selves. To go beyond these falsities and the base emotion of fear means we need to vibrate with this fear and realize that this fear has no power over us; that it is this fear which is the true controller of our thoughts, emotions and actions, but it does not have to be, only that we are giving it power and are allowing it to speak for us. Our true self IS love, it cannot be otherwise.
Hence, another master key is love. To be loving, to all, including oneself. Such is the nature of life, to rediscover what love means. Hence, having created a beautiful mess called control and perfectionistic ways of being, you can now take the same energy and refocus it to create meaningful, creative and positive intentions for yourself and others. Let go of all barriers and embrace the beautiful wild flower that you are!
To light & loving days ahead,
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